Screaming Mixology

Situation:

The phone is ringing non stop, my mom sitting across me, the tension is building. Feeling the pressure on my brains increase, my palms sweaty and my mind screaming for help. My throat dehydrated, my heart palpitating and my emotions raging. I am caught between two groups of people, both I have hurt and disappointed. It remains selfish, but what about me? You came into my home intoxicated, you yelled, you disrespected, you were itching to hit me. I saw all that, whats more I see your hurt, I see your pain, but you fail to see me. I remain rooted, I will not change my mind.

My thoughts:

You do not control my life, I am the one who is supposedly in control of my own life. But how things are turning out, I am so worried as to whether I should do this or do that? But one thing for sure is I am not returning to you. Not now not ever. The fear of being stalked has returned, it was something I overcame years ago. But it is back now. I may become socially awkward if I do not pull myself through with this. I will fight for me. I will continue to be strong. I will not succumb to the pressure. I will survive this phase. This is the inner me, fighting to break through, it is like walking through a tunnel. There was light at first, and then it got darker and darker till it was pitch black, it seems like there is a flicker of hope in the distance. But every time I step forward it moves further away. I am not giving up. I am not going back to my depressed self three years ago. I want to let it out, I want to ...... let it go. I want to move on. All I am saying is I I I I I I I!!!! I want to cry!!!! I want to laugh!!!! I want to run away!!! I want to live... I want a new me that is waiting at the other end of this obstacle. I do not want to go back to being an alcoholic, I do not want to go back to sitting in the dark corner and I do not want to go back to my past.

My parents:

I used to be the typical coward in life, when things are not going well I run back home to you. When things are harsh I hide behind you. I won't do that anymore. I am not running away anymore. I am facing the consequences of my decision. Yes, I am wrong, it is not the decision you wanted from me. But this is something I have to do for myself. And if I do not do this now I may regret for the rest of my life about what I could have done right. Unethical as it may seem, but to decide on this solely for my change in priorities in life is not wrong right? Well I know I do not deserve to cry in front of you, because it will only hurt you more. The consequences of my decisions will only be mine to reap. It is not your fault that I turned out to be like this (bringing home all the wrong men). Neither of you were ever like this.

Conflict:

Ironically, I am currently doing a paper on the ethics of journalism, and I am conflicted as to writing my piece. How can I preach of ethics if I am not one to follow? Am I being too harsh on myself? What would anyone do in my situation? Live with what they thought was real and forget about what could have been their dreams? The more I batter myself in this the more I am drowning and choking in my own thoughts.

To do:

I should just take a deep breath and smile, I am sure this will be over.
I will look at things as a stepping stone into the future, towards that flicker of hope.
I shall indulge in my intellect and abstain from including my emotions.
Laugh it off, men created greed, deprivation and privileges. They forgot that the one above came up with fate, destiny and opportunities.
And...... alright I need to go and release my bladder.