Done

It’s real funny how I actually get most of my inspiration while I am under the showers. It hit me once again, that is today. Well I had a talk with myself while the warm droplets water soak up my hair. I realized that I am done. I am done dwelling in the past and what not. I am done worrying about all the worst case scenarios. I am done brooding over everything or nothing. It is time for me to work towards my dreams. I took the first step after realizing that I live my life and I want what will be real not what I thought was real.

My dream is a simple dream. To write about ordinary people, who have dreams be it big or small a dream is a dream. Ever look around you and wonder what goes on in the mind of the people surrounding you? Someone once told me, he gets curious about people’s thoughts may be not everyone but yes still the thoughts of some of them. It felt nostalgic in a way, but still slightly different from me. For my love in exploring the world, I started looking at people differently. I am still working on it, working on how to keep a completely open mind when it comes to socializing.
I have hurt people, many not just by my actions but by the words that come out of my mind. The thing is, I have always been cold never showing much love and care on the surface. But I do care. I told myself this. Let me go into society, know more people, they need not become a friend but I would love to hear their stories. The start to being a journalist is the ability to write stories about what is happening and people around you. In this superficial world of ours, most of the stories we read or hear or watch are no longer about the people. To get somewhere we have to understand what is here around us now.

With that, I want to hear your stories. I want to write about the ordinary. I want to inspire you to achieve those dreams you have because we are both ordinary people with dreams worth fighting for in this sophisticated world.

With that, till my extraordinary stories of the ordinary are uploaded, stay inspired and stay true to yourself.

Screaming Mixology

Situation:

The phone is ringing non stop, my mom sitting across me, the tension is building. Feeling the pressure on my brains increase, my palms sweaty and my mind screaming for help. My throat dehydrated, my heart palpitating and my emotions raging. I am caught between two groups of people, both I have hurt and disappointed. It remains selfish, but what about me? You came into my home intoxicated, you yelled, you disrespected, you were itching to hit me. I saw all that, whats more I see your hurt, I see your pain, but you fail to see me. I remain rooted, I will not change my mind.

My thoughts:

You do not control my life, I am the one who is supposedly in control of my own life. But how things are turning out, I am so worried as to whether I should do this or do that? But one thing for sure is I am not returning to you. Not now not ever. The fear of being stalked has returned, it was something I overcame years ago. But it is back now. I may become socially awkward if I do not pull myself through with this. I will fight for me. I will continue to be strong. I will not succumb to the pressure. I will survive this phase. This is the inner me, fighting to break through, it is like walking through a tunnel. There was light at first, and then it got darker and darker till it was pitch black, it seems like there is a flicker of hope in the distance. But every time I step forward it moves further away. I am not giving up. I am not going back to my depressed self three years ago. I want to let it out, I want to ...... let it go. I want to move on. All I am saying is I I I I I I I!!!! I want to cry!!!! I want to laugh!!!! I want to run away!!! I want to live... I want a new me that is waiting at the other end of this obstacle. I do not want to go back to being an alcoholic, I do not want to go back to sitting in the dark corner and I do not want to go back to my past.

My parents:

I used to be the typical coward in life, when things are not going well I run back home to you. When things are harsh I hide behind you. I won't do that anymore. I am not running away anymore. I am facing the consequences of my decision. Yes, I am wrong, it is not the decision you wanted from me. But this is something I have to do for myself. And if I do not do this now I may regret for the rest of my life about what I could have done right. Unethical as it may seem, but to decide on this solely for my change in priorities in life is not wrong right? Well I know I do not deserve to cry in front of you, because it will only hurt you more. The consequences of my decisions will only be mine to reap. It is not your fault that I turned out to be like this (bringing home all the wrong men). Neither of you were ever like this.

Conflict:

Ironically, I am currently doing a paper on the ethics of journalism, and I am conflicted as to writing my piece. How can I preach of ethics if I am not one to follow? Am I being too harsh on myself? What would anyone do in my situation? Live with what they thought was real and forget about what could have been their dreams? The more I batter myself in this the more I am drowning and choking in my own thoughts.

To do:

I should just take a deep breath and smile, I am sure this will be over.
I will look at things as a stepping stone into the future, towards that flicker of hope.
I shall indulge in my intellect and abstain from including my emotions.
Laugh it off, men created greed, deprivation and privileges. They forgot that the one above came up with fate, destiny and opportunities.
And...... alright I need to go and release my bladder.

Thursday, Friday and So far.

Thursday night;

Two conversations with two different people all angled at what ifs. Exasperated by the senseless irony of how one conversation is similar to the dire situation I am in now. Those same words uttered in repeat mode made me apologize for not being able to be of any help because I lack in the department of consoling. Apology accepted, tuned out and plugged in, end of conversation. The later, I shall not reveal the contents of it as it makes me ponder too much if I should actually be reading into them. Wondering if it is in favor of what I think it might be or I am just thinking too much about it. Well a pact made some time back with an external heart, ‘perhaps let us look at how things will be in three months.’ The first month is up just not long ago. Honestly I do not know what to make of it yet. So yes let me patiently wait till all my troubles are gone. ‘Only with a clear mind, can one think proper right?’

Friday morning;

Amused by my own ability to rise at five in the morning only to be late when I had an interview scheduled at nine that same morning! The interview made my day, I was feeling all bright and chirpy, even sat in the car and smiled during my drive home. But somewhere in between when I noticed the light pop up on my fuel gauge, my smile dropped to a nasty movement of me silently cursing and swearing. Alright not that silent, actually rather loudly because I was alone in the car! I was low on fuel! Thanks daddy! Its dad’s turn to quench the car’s thirst or feed it its energy drink or something, I had been doing so for the past weeks and its making me grow broker than a broke. If that even makes sense at all.

Friday noon to night;

Episode with the car and the interview was over. I got home, stepped out of my clothes and collapsed on my bed. I looked out the window, watching the clouds crowd. With the streak of the lighting the rain came pouring down. Tapping on my window panes, I calmly drift into a slumber yet again only to wake up to the sight of my mom watching me rest. She distracted me, so I ended up watching serials with her only to end up falling asleep again. This is how FRIDAY was over.

Saturday noon;

As the chill air brush against my skin tingling my pores making my lips curl up as a smile form on my face and I open my eyes to this beautiful Saturday afternoon. My hair disheveled from all that moving around during my slumber, but today is different, the only thing I missed waking up to is love. As the sole of my feet touched the cold tiles of my bedroom floor, the only thing I wished for was to only be able to roll around in bed longer. Thinking to myself, these dreams I have been smiling to these past months really do make me happy even if it was for a while. Just as I thought, how this past week can be so quiet, well now is when the drama starts. Before, they say you deserve the best because you are the best, now you were not worth it because you are the worst of them all. Yelling, cursing, demands, and they say love was never about the money. Now that it’s over they demand that money, call you a cheat, call you a liar, say the nastiest things about you, and they…….. become violent.

Mental note to myself:

Remain strong, smile and let positivity take over, believe in tomorrow, leave the past behind whatever may happen today. And if you have to cry please just cry and stop holding it in. You have kept it to yourself for too long, your tears. It is time you return to being independent like you once was for a long time. Love no other till you hate them later. If love must happen later than hate them before you love them. That way you will never leave them, and they you.
Laugh to yourself tonight, laugh till you feel tired, and then go to bed.
Period. 

ABCs before Today.

Assumptions made.

Bewilderment expressed.

Cherished moments.

Desires fade.

Eternity dies.

Failed commitments.

Gestures thrown.

Honesty doubted.

Impossible happened.

Jubilance drowned.

Knowledge hurts.

Lessons learnt.

Mistakes surface.

Nostalgia dissolves.

Observations recorded.

Privilege lost. 

Questions piling.

Remarks passed.

Selfish decisions.

Trust broken.

Unfortunate event.

Virtues questioned.

Wisdom lacked.

X-rays needed.

Yielding hope.

Zealousness required.

Return To Innocence

Immortality is not something anyone can have in life.
Eternal youth is not something anyone can have in life.
When things happen in the past, often it changes how one behaves in the future.
Rewinding time is never going to happen.
Neither is returning to the past ever going to happen.
But the heart and energy one has can always bring that youth and happiness back and even leave memories which live on longer than that of their very own life span.
Going back to being your true happy self is what it feels like to return to innocence.
So laugh if you want to, cry if you have to and get that feeling off your chest for finding yourself is what matters most. 

Till my future blogs I leave you with “The Return To Innocence” By Enigma.

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

Yesterday.

Words have been said and decisions were made.
Going back is not what I do best.
Moving forward is all I can suggest.
Erasing the past is the least I can hope for.
But these may remain scars for those who have been hurt by the very words I uttered.
For them I pray they heal with time.
Regret I will not after this storm is over.
I am only human.
I see a different picture, one of sacrifice, one of hope, one of pain and one of love.
He above writes my life story, and what I do and decide is solely on my own but my life lived will still remain the same as what was written. That is what I believe in and this is that unique entity I speak of.

Now

How I feel;

The valley that once flowed is now but dry.
The trees that once stood have been uprooted.
The ground beneath is splitting open.
The oasis now sees a drought.
The volcanoes are erupting.
The seas are rising.
The poles are dissolving.
The earth is crumbling.

How I live;

 
The days see the night at the speed of light.
Time is no longer a capsule.
Technology consumes men.
Men enter oblivion.

How I think;

What tomorrow brings, no one will ever know.

Live today with meaning and smile positively towards tomorrow. 

I bid you sweet dreams as I hibernate till it's time to write again.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday

Saturday night;

As the sparks of the beautiful pyrotechnics display lit up the night sky above the floating bay, it brought back memories. But soon it too came to an end. Agitation built up from the pits of my gut and it flared up without reason which made me look ridiculous. To my spiritual creator, please forgive me and to my mortal creators, I can never be more sorry.

Sunday afternoon;

It has become a routine, sleeping late into the afternoons. Determination on signing up for my next short term goal, made me jump out of bed and get ready for the fair down at the Sands. The name of the days began fading in this routine life. I am turning into another robot in this system, where is the spark in life?

Sunday evening;

Like an alien living in hiding amongst the human race, wondering aimlessly and feeling all alone. As I watch the smiles pass me by and hear the chatters fill the air. This void is growing wider as the days past. This attempt to reach for the surface is made impossible as I drown deeper into the depths of thee unknown. My feet continually bring me round in circles, coming back to the start, a dead end. And I question myself while laughing out loudly ‘Why so serious?’

Sunday night;

Finally home in the comfort of my parents and food. It’s time for the weekend movie night. The title is not coming to mind but it is along the lines of ‘Jack and the beanstalk’ and ‘a giant slayer?’ The movie was not too bad and it got my mind off things. Lying in bed trying to fall asleep became an epic fail.

Monday;

Apparently, I have no recollection of Monday.

Tuesday;

It felt like dejavu as I woke up to the sound of a wailing baby in the corridor. Everything felt so familiar yet it was still different in its details. Time away from home is what I needed. I packed my bags, left home, hiked up four flights of steps, starred at my car and decided it’s time for that car wash. The need that followed was the need to see a group of special people who without fail make me laugh and let go of some steam. Love is what they shower me with and love is all that I can offer to them.