My family portrait

Stop these yelling! Stop kicking the door! Don't break that gate! Drop that death intent! I hate your voices I hate the words that are coming out of your mouth and I hate the loud sound of things flying all over the place and things being kicked everywhere! Stop coming home drunk! Why can't we just be complete and peaceful? Must I only get peace when I die? It hurts, my head is what hurts! My tears won't stop and I can't breathe not anymore! The pain won't stop piercing through my chest everytime I try to get what little air I can! I'm sick and tired of all this violence! Why won't you just let me live?! I don't need this when I come home NO most definitely not from you my family! Help! I just want to drown all these noise in my tears and soak my pillow to sleep! BREATHE!!!!! I need air!

Tourist

Oh no, I've said too much, got both feet in. 

My dear you fear too much. 

I'm just a little bit love-ridden...

I'm falling into..... you. 

Where art thou?

I cried. I cried yesterday. 

It hurt. It hurt so bad.

I remembered. I remembered those lives that could have been. It made me realize what I have done. Done to me. 

I didn't have to slit my wrists, I didn't have to consume substances, I didn't have to balance on the edge of the ledge and I didn't have to practice these dead knots.

I gasped for air as the I drowned in tears. 

I need some distraction dear beautiful release for I hurt myself again. 

I cried. I cried again today as I reflected. Something I didn't think about for a long time resurfaced yesterday and it is taking awhile to fade off. It's getting harder at the end of the each day.

I don't want to cry alone, it gets really lonely. Will you hold me tight tonight, stroke my hair and tell me in that soothing voice that I am going to get better and everything is going to be fine?

And if I tell you to stay like that for awhile longer, will you hold me tight in silence?

We don't need a name to this, all we need is us. If we last it means we've surpassed all worldly matters. All I want is trust and all I need is comfort. It'll be a plus if love blooms, but I'm afraid so afraid to love yet another or may be I no longer know the kind of love that lovers share. I may dream about a love I yearn for, but my practicality may be mistaken for expectations. 

I'm tired, tired of people, tired of knowing people, tired of being out there and tired of being tired, I want to live happily and accomplished with dreams worth fighting for. 

I want to live for me, and in hope that one day the you who will enter my life and remain till for as long as I may last. That same you will love me for me and me alone, not my past, not my stories, not my pain, not my achievements but for only me as a being who'd be your soul mate and better half.

Last night

Under the night sky, on the beach, chasing waves and playing in the sand, an ideal gathering which rarely happens. The agenda was simple but meaning was with depth all in one word called "ohana".  Should you see them, they'll forever appear children of the future, carefree and young. Deprived or not their childhood might have been once, but they sure enjoy the times which could replace any of those forged in tender age. It was an evening picnic filled with fireworks display, games and feast. It was another memory taken and framed in the hall of fame in the name of ohana.

Falling

I saw you once, I saw you smile.

But when I searched for you, I realized I was wandering all by myself.

I heard you call then I heard you fall.

But when I turned to pick you up, I realized it is I that had fallen.

I felt your touch & I felt your warmth.

But when I reached out to hold onto it, I realized it was love that I longed for.

Today's History

I wake.

I smoked.

I ate.

I napped.

I wake again.

I stoned.

I moved.

I searched.

I watched.

I smoked again.

I indulged.

I ate again.

I drank.

I watched again.

I ate again.

I smoked again.

I drank again.

I showered.

I scrubbed.

I shampooed.

I scrubbed again.

I showered again.

I smoked again.

I brushed.

I sat.

I stared.

I read.

I wrote.

I listened.

I enjoyed.

I longed.

I read again.

I stretched.

I thought.

I browsed.

I smoked again.

I wrote again.

I posted.

I waited. 

....in attempt to fall into slumber yet again.

Will tomorrow be in vain yet again?

Music & Sleeplessness

Another sleepless night spent feeling restless, growing more accustomed to the darkness and loneliness. It almost feels like a different realm, one which drains every last ounce of life left in a soul which knows not how to feel anymore. 

It pains just to think, it exhausts just trying to smile, and it makes everything else fade out when music makes it's presence. 

Don't read too much into the words said, don't think too much about the changes, and just don't let me go.

You're revealing too much which belongs to me. As much as I lose myself whenever we begain to get warm. It is almost frightening, because I do not know what to make of in my thoughts and my feelings.

But I would like to hold on to this warmth you offer, I hope it's safe and I hope I do not misread you. Ending up alone may be a norm in the lives of many, even yours but I would love to be found. At least by someone who will not need me to spell it out.

It's a feeling I wish to break free from, so surround me even if it's in silence because your presence alone soothes this uneasiness. If you ever ask me, I honestly do not know the answer to why I feel the way I do, or do the things I feel.

You've unmasked so much that all that face paint is fading too quickly just like the melting of an ice cube left out in the open. 

Let me remain armoured before others, don't strip me off my clothes, I do not want that naked feel to return.

Being able to just indulge in each other's thoughts are enough for now. At least I do not feel entirely alone even while I am amongst people. 

So please sing me to sleep again on this rainy morning and keep me warm and serene, free from any further thought as the wind caresses my eyelids and hair dance to the air waves. 

Desolate

Looking at her life from the outside would only lead to her criticizing her. Judging her from her flaws, the way she dresses, the way she speaks, the people she meets, the way she falls so hard, the way she is easily deceived. Dissatisfied with her achievements, wishing there was more, wishing she could reach higher and wishing she would stop whining.

All her tears describe the desolation in her life, longing for that love, craving for that touch, desiring those soft whispers against her ears, dying for that warmth. The people she let slip through her fingers, the relationships she threw away, all for one that is her. The way she hid her pain beneath her laughter, the way she smile above all her troubles.

Questions fill her head “Is there a place where I can just let all this out? Is there someone to just listen to all this trash, surround me in that aura I want, shower me with that affection I need, let me be vulnerable just this once? I am tired of being strong but I guess there is no breaking down from how high I have built my walls.”

She tried reaching out, there was a hand to hold, but even that faded away in time. The distance grew wider, the noise started consuming her thoughts, the air grew colder, just like that silhouette disappeared into the darkness with no more light to show her some hope, and her heart grew faint in all subdued pain. “I’m used to it” she tells herself as it was not the first time.

A routine it became when she is driving by herself, she rewinds and tears stream down her cheeks, the past she wishes to erase and the questions she wishes to evade. The scars remained like a tattoo on her. The only way to prevent people from seeing them is to quit talking. “If only I could disappear” she thinks to herself.

She is not easily broken for she has become... me.

Faces or Phases but it is a Messy Affair

Are the people who surround us truly who they are seen to be? A question I often ponder over. Even in years being surrounded by people whom I cherished and did everything in my stead to please, there are dark sides that start to show and it hurts the fact that you never knew they were such people.

I guess over the years people grow tired of putting on that mask because others do not realize their worth or efforts or even appreciate them. I believe they grow frustrated with how their lives have become.

Even now, when I look at people around me I ask myself, are they being genuine or are they just putting on an act for fear they might hurt me? I prefer honesty over fear for hurting others. When you're honest, both involved can learn to move on or live with it accepting and experiencing new things and reality. But when the act is continued, you mislead, misunderstand and will forever remain sadly an imitation. You will never be able to come to terms with yourself, and you will never be able to let people know how you truly feel about them, be it good or bad. And you will never be able to find true happiness. 

Yes there are times where we feel like we just want to run away and escape from reality. But these are temporary defenses which we put up or turn to when going through a hard time. Look on the bright side, if there are objects, people or places that you are able to find solace and happiness in, be with them.

Each experience painful or joyful, is a stepping stone into the destiny written for us. Each decision made have been foreseen by our spiritual creators. We may be hurt over the times that were dark and cold. But when things like that happen, think about the people around us, is our situation that dire? Can we overcome this ordeal? Help will come to those who seek them.

Time may heal all wounds but the scars remain so try not to hurt the people close to you. You never know how long they will be around or how long you may stick around. Isolation only makes one more lonely, drowning one in depression.

"Forgive the past, make new memories, forget the pain and remember only happiness."

Happyness

Just like lights they appeared and glowed. They shine so bright that if you can't see them you must be blind. Their voices tickle your ears and laughter spread like wild fire. Each with their own persona but combined they create a balance just like the yin and the yang. 

They make me spell happyness with the Y just like Chris Gardner in his pursuit of happyness. The warmth they give beats any good old fire place. If they read all these praises they just may raise their glasses to cheer on the appreciation. 

They make me love without expecting. They make me go against my principles of having attachments for I have grown to be attached to them. They are well wishes of one another and together they form a round world, revolving round only them. 

The bond they established are viewed with envy because it did not seem to matter just how long they knew each other or who knew who first but they just knew each other. 

May be not the stories each may have in their lives but it does take time to peel the onion right? They make me believe in love on a whole new level. One that is pure and trusting. 

This they I speak of are the seven giants of my life. They need not be named but I feel homed returning to them, and I call them my ohana. 

Birthday

I had planned in mind a quiet birthday but heck sometimes things do not go as planned right? No no no I do not mean that it went bad, actually it got even better than what I had in mind. Calling them the usual bunch is not what I would call them. But they are the usual people I hang out with, to define them would be a new family found in friends. 

They may not have spent 12 years of their lives getting to just know me neither are they childhood friends. But this bond we have, is different, they do not ask what you might not be ready to share. Instead, they are willing to just spend that time with you sensing that you just might need that time to be around people who truly care. 

It may be a bond that was easily established and it may become more challenging holding it out till we grow old. But if we put that effort to hold on to one another (the song from 'The Land Before Time' plays in my head "if we hold on together... Our dreams ...") we just might pull through. 

These laughters I have had with them has given me so much more motivation in life. It might be senseless at times but who cares when it's them I have with me right here and right now. They are my ohana, it means family. 

I made many wishes today, and one was to have them with me for a really long time, my other family, my ohana. 

It may be a simple way of showing appreciation but it holds alot of weight in just those simple words alone because I mean it with all my heart and that is Thank You. 

I love you all, each and everyone of you for who you are. 

Indulgence

It has been two weeks, and it has been raining every night. It actually is a good thing because it helps most people sleep calmly. It still remains the same for me, sleepless nights spent thinking about what I experience, and learn each day and what I yearn for in my future. 

The nights seem to pass painfully slower when I lay starring into thin air or at my ceiling. On the other hand, when I am busy doing something, it makes me wish that time would just slow down. It felt like it was only yesterday when the month of June begun but now we are already passing mid-September. Job hunting is beginning to exhaust me, so are the errands I run at home, the arguments I get into, the draggy process of my separation and whatever else which brings my mood down. Right it just is our defence mechanism working whenever we do not want to hear, see, talk about or do the things we do not like. And all I end up doing is telling me I am not like this and neither am I like that. 

Naturally for everything that does not seem to go our way, we blame it on everything else except us. To be able to come to terms with ourselves and to be able to accept our flaws not forgetting to be open to experiencing new things each day, is not an easy process. We have to understand our thoughts, behaviour and actions before we can really understand why we do the things we do. The day we achieve self-realization is the day we have attained that fulfillment of potential.

It’s the power of free will that we have within our grasps. Telling ourselves we cannot move forwards because of our relationship commitments, our families, or whatever reason we have in the back of our heads are just excuses. Truth is we have the capacity and power within us to make changes to ourselves but are we willing to give all that up in order to achieve what we want and experience those unchartered territories? Are we willing to take that step forward and say what we want to say without the fear of rejection or the fear of loss? Are we willing to fall and not be afraid to stand back up again? Yes many have their own stories hidden deep within, it may not all be about knights in shinny armour or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But are we willing to let go of that past and just think of now, live for right here and right now? No point of looking too far ahead, many things can change in over a period of time. Like how fast a person may change their dreams, goals and priorities in life. It can happen to anyone, change, it sure happened to me.

I have learned, theoretically from literature during the evening lectures I attend. And even from the people I find myself spending time with. Trust me, I am still working on keeping an open mind to experiencing news things and listening to the words these people say and teach. I have reflected, during those lectures, but placing application to the thoughts I have and the things I have experienced. I have reflected or rather I have been reflecting and still am on the words my family and friends have said to me. I ask myself many questions, I think over it and wonder and then I stop asking myself if the decisions that were made in the past was right or wrong. Simply because I am living life right here and right now.

Yes, our brain is a mysterious organ. The way it works neurotically just amazingly contributes to every scientific research of the brain and every psychological reasoning which follows.  It controls how we feel, hear, smell, see, taste and in a way it is almost like our second heart but the only difference is that it is like our very own built-in computer and it is upgraded. Would we feel a certain way about someone if our brain does not send out that particular signal? Would we feel hurt and emotional if our brain does not trigger those emotions? 

So one day, if I come up to you and tell you I think I am in love with you, what would your reaction most likely be? As much as we say we are able to understand each other, what do we actually mean by saying that we understand each other? Is it the emotions that we are feeling, or the way we think, or our behaviour or perhaps our actions? Returning to how you would react, if you say you understand me, you would have guessed that this was coming your way, you might have anticipated it, or you might have ignored it because it probably was not what you had in mind and it is not what you feel. So if you do not feel the same way then it is only right that you have not understood me but you heard my thought. It’s just an example and one of the thoughts which I am trying to draw a line to find some sort of connecting experience from. The thoughts that exist in my mind is just like a maze or a spider web now, the deeper you think the closer you get to being lost, and the harder you think the more you find the web getting sticky and tangled. 

Then again to our reactions, are we truly surprised, happy, upset or annoyed about things and is it really shown on our face? I still wonder to myself, if I saw any of my unplanned reactions how would I have felt about myself. This is a little tricky because when we look at the mirror we put on our best face and it is a face we love admiring for those who are satisfied with their appearances and who does not have esteem issues. Picture this, if you saw your face in the mirror and did not feel happy about how you see yourself, you find means and end up getting yourself a “new” face. Yes you would be happy that you look better or gorgeous or whichever praise worthy description you would offer yourself. But would you be able to recognise your true self anymore? Yes it would boost your esteem because you look better, and in looking better you attract more, and by attracting more your social circle expands and you are probably crowned “Miss Popular”. So it would mean you wanted all that attention in order to boost your own esteem. Then what happens when you decided that you have grown tired of all that ‘stardom’ and popularity? You begin to feel suffocated by that very society you created and yearned for. Do you return to being a person with esteem issues?

Are we not supposed to be happy with whom or how we originally were? Yes changes take place, physically and mentally. We grow to become who we are today because of our family and the society. But how we choose to grow from today onwards highly depends on whether we still choose to remain ‘controlled’ by our family and the society we live in.

Note: It does not mean that it is the start of the rebellion reign! Hold the people we love close to us and continue to cherish them while working out our own dreams without using them as an excuse to tying us down. We can live together and live our dreams not live the dreams they never got to fulfill.

Something from last week

Sometimes people think too much of something so simple. 

And in doing that they complicate situations and make it harder for them.

So why bring such a tiring and depressing manner of living upon you?

If you're thinking too much about someone you like, liked, love, loved, lost, or wish you had, never sit and stare into a beautiful scenery. It will only make you feel more lonely. Never walk alone, it will make you feel lonely. Instead be around others who make you laugh and smile and push all that loneliness away. 

If you're feeling down and in low spirits, with thoughts that are filled with fear, you should go out for a run or even a jog will suffice. Why? Because when you push yourself to the limits you subconsciously encourage yourself and boost your confidence. 

But if you're holding on to too many thoughts at once, then why not write them out. In the form of a checklist, then rearrange them according to their priority. After that think of and list the solutions to each doubt. That way it's like solving a mathematical problem.

Metaphorical expressions

The pounding impact routined each time the skin of the drum was struck creates a stable stream of waves vibrating through the fine sand on this dessert. 

Sometimes to the pleasantness of a calm dessert breeze, sometimes it staggers before the air is as cold as ice and other times it gets unbearably messy before the sand storm strikes. 

If ever the sun at its highest during the peak of the day would put a pair of aviators to tone down on its harshness, every living species might survive the dry terrains spread across the horizon.  

Buried deep in the coarseness of salt, sand and land they root their life form while shielding the outside word with their spike like defenses, pricking or stabbing any others who drifts nearer in search for hydration. 

Each time it is sliced opened or punctured to quench the need of other living forms, it is exposed and takes time to develop its guarded barrier and enhance its defense walls. Only after every reformation to be faced with the cycle of satisfying others do the scars of the processes remain. 

To be or not to be... Etc etc etc...

The breeze gets chilly as the feet hastens its pace, through the darkness remains some flickering thoughts. 

An intuition which may only fool the mind as the heart distances further from warmth for fear lurks around the fences.

Like a dream catcher only vague memories of those pleasant dreams remain hanging onto the hope of being revisited again for it leaves a smile and tingling sensation when the shell wakes from it's slumber.

Mentally dramatises the scene from Shakespeare "to be or not to be". Wait or was it the king and I? The king said to the teacher "to be or not to be etc etc etc..."

Insomnia

Turning and tossing around in bed all night while the ticking of the wall clock ticks the hours away. 

The still and silent night beyond the window grills is a grid like spread fragmenting the vast deep purple sky. 

After those hours of ticking, turning and tossing, the reving acceleration and dragging of gears signalling the start of the public transportation and the barking of a dog in the neighborhood annoys the almost peaceful break of dawn. Adding to all that morning noise is the screeching of brakes on the bicycle. 

As these nights turn to days, the days turn to night, stirring up confusion to the human anatomy.

The process an insomniac goes through each night is painstakingly exhausting.

To Do: Get the body clock synced with the GMT 08:00 KL, Singapore time. 

Note to Readers: Today's blog is the result of insomnia. 

Note to Self: Keep track on daily progress, monitor and record hours wasted staring at the ceiling during insomnia haunting hours. Damn will the owner of the super annoying dog barking away please do something about the barking timings? Remind your dog that it is not a rooster, but a dog? 

Word Play

What's giving in forgiving? 

What are you giving for?

Word: giving. 

What's sake in forsaken?

For who's sake have you forsaken them?

Word: sake.

What's scar in scare?

Are you scared of your scars?

Word: scar. 

Today, word play. 

Judgmental

The voice of a soloist and the melody of his acoustic guitar fills the night and sets the mood. The chatters from patrons and synchronised clinking of their glasses play percussion to the finely tuned music. Seated on a high stool by a pillar in full view of the crowd, swaying in appreciation to the sound of music. Quietly absorbing the atmosphere and releasing the aura of serenity whilst twirling long strands of her hair around her fingers. Then letting them fall into locks of curls blending into her already wavy hair. Thinking to herself that this might just be her new chill out lounge if she were in the mood for some alcholic beverages. Occasionally scanning the audiences of that night's acoustic gig she smiles to herself thinking how proper the people were. There was a couple sat at a table to the right, in front of her. The gentleman a Caucasian and his partner a tanned Asian lady. The scenario of this couple made her wonder that as much as the world and lives of people may seem perfect or happy, there are secrets and things that happen beneath all that charade. A bystander she played, observing from the side lines and naturally making presumptions of how these individuals might be living their lives. Word;Judgmental.  

Done

It’s real funny how I actually get most of my inspiration while I am under the showers. It hit me once again, that is today. Well I had a talk with myself while the warm droplets water soak up my hair. I realized that I am done. I am done dwelling in the past and what not. I am done worrying about all the worst case scenarios. I am done brooding over everything or nothing. It is time for me to work towards my dreams. I took the first step after realizing that I live my life and I want what will be real not what I thought was real.

My dream is a simple dream. To write about ordinary people, who have dreams be it big or small a dream is a dream. Ever look around you and wonder what goes on in the mind of the people surrounding you? Someone once told me, he gets curious about people’s thoughts may be not everyone but yes still the thoughts of some of them. It felt nostalgic in a way, but still slightly different from me. For my love in exploring the world, I started looking at people differently. I am still working on it, working on how to keep a completely open mind when it comes to socializing.
I have hurt people, many not just by my actions but by the words that come out of my mind. The thing is, I have always been cold never showing much love and care on the surface. But I do care. I told myself this. Let me go into society, know more people, they need not become a friend but I would love to hear their stories. The start to being a journalist is the ability to write stories about what is happening and people around you. In this superficial world of ours, most of the stories we read or hear or watch are no longer about the people. To get somewhere we have to understand what is here around us now.

With that, I want to hear your stories. I want to write about the ordinary. I want to inspire you to achieve those dreams you have because we are both ordinary people with dreams worth fighting for in this sophisticated world.

With that, till my extraordinary stories of the ordinary are uploaded, stay inspired and stay true to yourself.

Screaming Mixology

Situation:

The phone is ringing non stop, my mom sitting across me, the tension is building. Feeling the pressure on my brains increase, my palms sweaty and my mind screaming for help. My throat dehydrated, my heart palpitating and my emotions raging. I am caught between two groups of people, both I have hurt and disappointed. It remains selfish, but what about me? You came into my home intoxicated, you yelled, you disrespected, you were itching to hit me. I saw all that, whats more I see your hurt, I see your pain, but you fail to see me. I remain rooted, I will not change my mind.

My thoughts:

You do not control my life, I am the one who is supposedly in control of my own life. But how things are turning out, I am so worried as to whether I should do this or do that? But one thing for sure is I am not returning to you. Not now not ever. The fear of being stalked has returned, it was something I overcame years ago. But it is back now. I may become socially awkward if I do not pull myself through with this. I will fight for me. I will continue to be strong. I will not succumb to the pressure. I will survive this phase. This is the inner me, fighting to break through, it is like walking through a tunnel. There was light at first, and then it got darker and darker till it was pitch black, it seems like there is a flicker of hope in the distance. But every time I step forward it moves further away. I am not giving up. I am not going back to my depressed self three years ago. I want to let it out, I want to ...... let it go. I want to move on. All I am saying is I I I I I I I!!!! I want to cry!!!! I want to laugh!!!! I want to run away!!! I want to live... I want a new me that is waiting at the other end of this obstacle. I do not want to go back to being an alcoholic, I do not want to go back to sitting in the dark corner and I do not want to go back to my past.

My parents:

I used to be the typical coward in life, when things are not going well I run back home to you. When things are harsh I hide behind you. I won't do that anymore. I am not running away anymore. I am facing the consequences of my decision. Yes, I am wrong, it is not the decision you wanted from me. But this is something I have to do for myself. And if I do not do this now I may regret for the rest of my life about what I could have done right. Unethical as it may seem, but to decide on this solely for my change in priorities in life is not wrong right? Well I know I do not deserve to cry in front of you, because it will only hurt you more. The consequences of my decisions will only be mine to reap. It is not your fault that I turned out to be like this (bringing home all the wrong men). Neither of you were ever like this.

Conflict:

Ironically, I am currently doing a paper on the ethics of journalism, and I am conflicted as to writing my piece. How can I preach of ethics if I am not one to follow? Am I being too harsh on myself? What would anyone do in my situation? Live with what they thought was real and forget about what could have been their dreams? The more I batter myself in this the more I am drowning and choking in my own thoughts.

To do:

I should just take a deep breath and smile, I am sure this will be over.
I will look at things as a stepping stone into the future, towards that flicker of hope.
I shall indulge in my intellect and abstain from including my emotions.
Laugh it off, men created greed, deprivation and privileges. They forgot that the one above came up with fate, destiny and opportunities.
And...... alright I need to go and release my bladder.

Thursday, Friday and So far.

Thursday night;

Two conversations with two different people all angled at what ifs. Exasperated by the senseless irony of how one conversation is similar to the dire situation I am in now. Those same words uttered in repeat mode made me apologize for not being able to be of any help because I lack in the department of consoling. Apology accepted, tuned out and plugged in, end of conversation. The later, I shall not reveal the contents of it as it makes me ponder too much if I should actually be reading into them. Wondering if it is in favor of what I think it might be or I am just thinking too much about it. Well a pact made some time back with an external heart, ‘perhaps let us look at how things will be in three months.’ The first month is up just not long ago. Honestly I do not know what to make of it yet. So yes let me patiently wait till all my troubles are gone. ‘Only with a clear mind, can one think proper right?’

Friday morning;

Amused by my own ability to rise at five in the morning only to be late when I had an interview scheduled at nine that same morning! The interview made my day, I was feeling all bright and chirpy, even sat in the car and smiled during my drive home. But somewhere in between when I noticed the light pop up on my fuel gauge, my smile dropped to a nasty movement of me silently cursing and swearing. Alright not that silent, actually rather loudly because I was alone in the car! I was low on fuel! Thanks daddy! Its dad’s turn to quench the car’s thirst or feed it its energy drink or something, I had been doing so for the past weeks and its making me grow broker than a broke. If that even makes sense at all.

Friday noon to night;

Episode with the car and the interview was over. I got home, stepped out of my clothes and collapsed on my bed. I looked out the window, watching the clouds crowd. With the streak of the lighting the rain came pouring down. Tapping on my window panes, I calmly drift into a slumber yet again only to wake up to the sight of my mom watching me rest. She distracted me, so I ended up watching serials with her only to end up falling asleep again. This is how FRIDAY was over.

Saturday noon;

As the chill air brush against my skin tingling my pores making my lips curl up as a smile form on my face and I open my eyes to this beautiful Saturday afternoon. My hair disheveled from all that moving around during my slumber, but today is different, the only thing I missed waking up to is love. As the sole of my feet touched the cold tiles of my bedroom floor, the only thing I wished for was to only be able to roll around in bed longer. Thinking to myself, these dreams I have been smiling to these past months really do make me happy even if it was for a while. Just as I thought, how this past week can be so quiet, well now is when the drama starts. Before, they say you deserve the best because you are the best, now you were not worth it because you are the worst of them all. Yelling, cursing, demands, and they say love was never about the money. Now that it’s over they demand that money, call you a cheat, call you a liar, say the nastiest things about you, and they…….. become violent.

Mental note to myself:

Remain strong, smile and let positivity take over, believe in tomorrow, leave the past behind whatever may happen today. And if you have to cry please just cry and stop holding it in. You have kept it to yourself for too long, your tears. It is time you return to being independent like you once was for a long time. Love no other till you hate them later. If love must happen later than hate them before you love them. That way you will never leave them, and they you.
Laugh to yourself tonight, laugh till you feel tired, and then go to bed.
Period.