Indulgence

It has been two weeks, and it has been raining every night. It actually is a good thing because it helps most people sleep calmly. It still remains the same for me, sleepless nights spent thinking about what I experience, and learn each day and what I yearn for in my future. 

The nights seem to pass painfully slower when I lay starring into thin air or at my ceiling. On the other hand, when I am busy doing something, it makes me wish that time would just slow down. It felt like it was only yesterday when the month of June begun but now we are already passing mid-September. Job hunting is beginning to exhaust me, so are the errands I run at home, the arguments I get into, the draggy process of my separation and whatever else which brings my mood down. Right it just is our defence mechanism working whenever we do not want to hear, see, talk about or do the things we do not like. And all I end up doing is telling me I am not like this and neither am I like that. 

Naturally for everything that does not seem to go our way, we blame it on everything else except us. To be able to come to terms with ourselves and to be able to accept our flaws not forgetting to be open to experiencing new things each day, is not an easy process. We have to understand our thoughts, behaviour and actions before we can really understand why we do the things we do. The day we achieve self-realization is the day we have attained that fulfillment of potential.

It’s the power of free will that we have within our grasps. Telling ourselves we cannot move forwards because of our relationship commitments, our families, or whatever reason we have in the back of our heads are just excuses. Truth is we have the capacity and power within us to make changes to ourselves but are we willing to give all that up in order to achieve what we want and experience those unchartered territories? Are we willing to take that step forward and say what we want to say without the fear of rejection or the fear of loss? Are we willing to fall and not be afraid to stand back up again? Yes many have their own stories hidden deep within, it may not all be about knights in shinny armour or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But are we willing to let go of that past and just think of now, live for right here and right now? No point of looking too far ahead, many things can change in over a period of time. Like how fast a person may change their dreams, goals and priorities in life. It can happen to anyone, change, it sure happened to me.

I have learned, theoretically from literature during the evening lectures I attend. And even from the people I find myself spending time with. Trust me, I am still working on keeping an open mind to experiencing news things and listening to the words these people say and teach. I have reflected, during those lectures, but placing application to the thoughts I have and the things I have experienced. I have reflected or rather I have been reflecting and still am on the words my family and friends have said to me. I ask myself many questions, I think over it and wonder and then I stop asking myself if the decisions that were made in the past was right or wrong. Simply because I am living life right here and right now.

Yes, our brain is a mysterious organ. The way it works neurotically just amazingly contributes to every scientific research of the brain and every psychological reasoning which follows.  It controls how we feel, hear, smell, see, taste and in a way it is almost like our second heart but the only difference is that it is like our very own built-in computer and it is upgraded. Would we feel a certain way about someone if our brain does not send out that particular signal? Would we feel hurt and emotional if our brain does not trigger those emotions? 

So one day, if I come up to you and tell you I think I am in love with you, what would your reaction most likely be? As much as we say we are able to understand each other, what do we actually mean by saying that we understand each other? Is it the emotions that we are feeling, or the way we think, or our behaviour or perhaps our actions? Returning to how you would react, if you say you understand me, you would have guessed that this was coming your way, you might have anticipated it, or you might have ignored it because it probably was not what you had in mind and it is not what you feel. So if you do not feel the same way then it is only right that you have not understood me but you heard my thought. It’s just an example and one of the thoughts which I am trying to draw a line to find some sort of connecting experience from. The thoughts that exist in my mind is just like a maze or a spider web now, the deeper you think the closer you get to being lost, and the harder you think the more you find the web getting sticky and tangled. 

Then again to our reactions, are we truly surprised, happy, upset or annoyed about things and is it really shown on our face? I still wonder to myself, if I saw any of my unplanned reactions how would I have felt about myself. This is a little tricky because when we look at the mirror we put on our best face and it is a face we love admiring for those who are satisfied with their appearances and who does not have esteem issues. Picture this, if you saw your face in the mirror and did not feel happy about how you see yourself, you find means and end up getting yourself a “new” face. Yes you would be happy that you look better or gorgeous or whichever praise worthy description you would offer yourself. But would you be able to recognise your true self anymore? Yes it would boost your esteem because you look better, and in looking better you attract more, and by attracting more your social circle expands and you are probably crowned “Miss Popular”. So it would mean you wanted all that attention in order to boost your own esteem. Then what happens when you decided that you have grown tired of all that ‘stardom’ and popularity? You begin to feel suffocated by that very society you created and yearned for. Do you return to being a person with esteem issues?

Are we not supposed to be happy with whom or how we originally were? Yes changes take place, physically and mentally. We grow to become who we are today because of our family and the society. But how we choose to grow from today onwards highly depends on whether we still choose to remain ‘controlled’ by our family and the society we live in.

Note: It does not mean that it is the start of the rebellion reign! Hold the people we love close to us and continue to cherish them while working out our own dreams without using them as an excuse to tying us down. We can live together and live our dreams not live the dreams they never got to fulfill.