Time

Life is time, is meeting people, learning new things, letting go of what no longer is, reminiscing the memories and creating new ones.
It's funny how in a short amount of time many things can happen. But if you come to think of it, you'd realize just how amazing these moments are. Be it when you're angry, upset, or just happy, these emotions just finds its way into that moment. Its what you make out of those emotions that matters. In that moment you could say something hurtful and never take it back. In that moment you could infect another with your smile or laughter. In that moment you could move others with your tears.
Time and moments go together. Without those moments you would not have had time.
Cherish them. Your time. Spend it well without regrets. Because we can never go back in time only forward.

This is a little late...

Isn’t it funny how life turns out to be for each individual? We live without realizing the importance of time isn’t just how we spend it without waste but it was the essence of spending the quality of it with the people we hold dear to us wisely. A person who’s dear to me lost someone important to her in her life last Saturday. Upon hearing this solemn news, it brought tears to my eyes. Just the thought of what could possibly be going through her mind right now made me feel anxious and sad all at once. And I realized that I haven’t got to meet this important figure in her life yet. But I had to be there for her. She needed the people who love her around her, to tell her she’s not alone, and her mother is going to be just fine in the next phase of her life. Kübler Ross said “Death is not the end of life’s journey, but the beginning of a new one.”

Right now, just like Macklemore sang in the Thrift Shop, “I’ve got twenty dollars in my pocket…” is just how broke I am.  Supporting a family of 5 including yourself is not as easy as it seems, not especially when you’re waiting for a divorce on one hand and your father is ill. No they do not have Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres here in Singapore, where it would have been easier to get a donation or some financial aid by just writing in or appearing on screen. But then again, you might not be the only one who’s struggling to make ends meet each day. While I was busy worrying about my father who has kidney stones and a weak heart, I received the news. The mother of a close friend had passed away. It dawned on me, that this very friend who has been telling me to stay strong for as I was working so hard to take care of both my mother and father has just lost her mother.

But hey, I love this little woman. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me.

Walking dead

Swallowed into the ideas of others, you soon absorb the way they behave, the way they feel and the way they think. Then you lose yourself, you overthink, you wonder about who you really are. You sniff out undesirable emotions, and you think everyone is against you and it's you against the world. You look around and all you see are the eyes prying to reveal you, slowly stripping you down, peeling off layers of clothes that wrap you up. And all at once you feel naked, you feel the cold from the stares directed at you. You want to run away, you want to get out but still you remain behind bound by the ties that latch onto you always reminding you, always holding you back from the tomorrow you need and want. You stand there surrounded by the energy that consumes you. But all it really takes is a deep breath of courage and to exhale it with "I have had enough, I'm moving forward on my own for me." After all that built up you snigger under your shallowed breaths, recalling nostalgic lyrics from singers you might have a blur memory of. A smile forms on your face and you heave a sigh, that is life, what's left is living it not surviving it. It is unique how being devoured by the noise of your surroundings give you more consciousness you can ever have. It's like awakening the unconscious that slumbered deep within you in a cave waiting for you to fall asleep. Deep just deep, these depts they drown you as you struggle for air only to float to the surface dead. 

The NOT SO Silent Blog Episode

Funny how the world works, it just never rests. Just like our lives. 

What would you do with your life? Could we just stop and tell ourselves not to act, not to breathe, not to feel, not to think and just stand still? Apparently not, not acting or rather reacting would just be ignorance. Not breathing would just kill us, not feeling would just mean we're out cold and numb, not thinking might just mean we can do yoga but stand still? It would mean watching your life flash by before your eyes.

I write just like how I travel aimlessly and live recklessly, go on an escapade when I realize my mistake, then return when I am calm and composed. It gets me cranky, sometimes too descriptive, and at times spunky while other times too sensitive. But of course these are just bite-sized episodes that I have once in a while. It makes me feel youthful and immature. But I’m working on being sane, but it’s a little insane when I am serious and all formal. My speech gets restricted and my face hardly wears a smile the right side up. I don’t crack up and neither do I crack jokes. I seem lost and rigid. Alright it feels annoyingly annoying to see this many I’s in this passage.

I should really be sleeping right now, or actually 2 hours ago. So here’s a little quote I included to the #storyofmylife, “Education, they make you realize the good, the bad, the consequences and the reasons for the experiences you go through.”

With that, I shall rest my eyes for the next four hours before I head back out into the world that chases time.

My family portrait

Stop these yelling! Stop kicking the door! Don't break that gate! Drop that death intent! I hate your voices I hate the words that are coming out of your mouth and I hate the loud sound of things flying all over the place and things being kicked everywhere! Stop coming home drunk! Why can't we just be complete and peaceful? Must I only get peace when I die? It hurts, my head is what hurts! My tears won't stop and I can't breathe not anymore! The pain won't stop piercing through my chest everytime I try to get what little air I can! I'm sick and tired of all this violence! Why won't you just let me live?! I don't need this when I come home NO most definitely not from you my family! Help! I just want to drown all these noise in my tears and soak my pillow to sleep! BREATHE!!!!! I need air!

Tourist

Oh no, I've said too much, got both feet in. 

My dear you fear too much. 

I'm just a little bit love-ridden...

I'm falling into..... you. 

Where art thou?

I cried. I cried yesterday. 

It hurt. It hurt so bad.

I remembered. I remembered those lives that could have been. It made me realize what I have done. Done to me. 

I didn't have to slit my wrists, I didn't have to consume substances, I didn't have to balance on the edge of the ledge and I didn't have to practice these dead knots.

I gasped for air as the I drowned in tears. 

I need some distraction dear beautiful release for I hurt myself again. 

I cried. I cried again today as I reflected. Something I didn't think about for a long time resurfaced yesterday and it is taking awhile to fade off. It's getting harder at the end of the each day.

I don't want to cry alone, it gets really lonely. Will you hold me tight tonight, stroke my hair and tell me in that soothing voice that I am going to get better and everything is going to be fine?

And if I tell you to stay like that for awhile longer, will you hold me tight in silence?

We don't need a name to this, all we need is us. If we last it means we've surpassed all worldly matters. All I want is trust and all I need is comfort. It'll be a plus if love blooms, but I'm afraid so afraid to love yet another or may be I no longer know the kind of love that lovers share. I may dream about a love I yearn for, but my practicality may be mistaken for expectations. 

I'm tired, tired of people, tired of knowing people, tired of being out there and tired of being tired, I want to live happily and accomplished with dreams worth fighting for. 

I want to live for me, and in hope that one day the you who will enter my life and remain till for as long as I may last. That same you will love me for me and me alone, not my past, not my stories, not my pain, not my achievements but for only me as a being who'd be your soul mate and better half.