Last night

Under the night sky, on the beach, chasing waves and playing in the sand, an ideal gathering which rarely happens. The agenda was simple but meaning was with depth all in one word called "ohana".  Should you see them, they'll forever appear children of the future, carefree and young. Deprived or not their childhood might have been once, but they sure enjoy the times which could replace any of those forged in tender age. It was an evening picnic filled with fireworks display, games and feast. It was another memory taken and framed in the hall of fame in the name of ohana.

Falling

I saw you once, I saw you smile.

But when I searched for you, I realized I was wandering all by myself.

I heard you call then I heard you fall.

But when I turned to pick you up, I realized it is I that had fallen.

I felt your touch & I felt your warmth.

But when I reached out to hold onto it, I realized it was love that I longed for.

Today's History

I wake.

I smoked.

I ate.

I napped.

I wake again.

I stoned.

I moved.

I searched.

I watched.

I smoked again.

I indulged.

I ate again.

I drank.

I watched again.

I ate again.

I smoked again.

I drank again.

I showered.

I scrubbed.

I shampooed.

I scrubbed again.

I showered again.

I smoked again.

I brushed.

I sat.

I stared.

I read.

I wrote.

I listened.

I enjoyed.

I longed.

I read again.

I stretched.

I thought.

I browsed.

I smoked again.

I wrote again.

I posted.

I waited. 

....in attempt to fall into slumber yet again.

Will tomorrow be in vain yet again?

Music & Sleeplessness

Another sleepless night spent feeling restless, growing more accustomed to the darkness and loneliness. It almost feels like a different realm, one which drains every last ounce of life left in a soul which knows not how to feel anymore. 

It pains just to think, it exhausts just trying to smile, and it makes everything else fade out when music makes it's presence. 

Don't read too much into the words said, don't think too much about the changes, and just don't let me go.

You're revealing too much which belongs to me. As much as I lose myself whenever we begain to get warm. It is almost frightening, because I do not know what to make of in my thoughts and my feelings.

But I would like to hold on to this warmth you offer, I hope it's safe and I hope I do not misread you. Ending up alone may be a norm in the lives of many, even yours but I would love to be found. At least by someone who will not need me to spell it out.

It's a feeling I wish to break free from, so surround me even if it's in silence because your presence alone soothes this uneasiness. If you ever ask me, I honestly do not know the answer to why I feel the way I do, or do the things I feel.

You've unmasked so much that all that face paint is fading too quickly just like the melting of an ice cube left out in the open. 

Let me remain armoured before others, don't strip me off my clothes, I do not want that naked feel to return.

Being able to just indulge in each other's thoughts are enough for now. At least I do not feel entirely alone even while I am amongst people. 

So please sing me to sleep again on this rainy morning and keep me warm and serene, free from any further thought as the wind caresses my eyelids and hair dance to the air waves. 

Desolate

Looking at her life from the outside would only lead to her criticizing her. Judging her from her flaws, the way she dresses, the way she speaks, the people she meets, the way she falls so hard, the way she is easily deceived. Dissatisfied with her achievements, wishing there was more, wishing she could reach higher and wishing she would stop whining.

All her tears describe the desolation in her life, longing for that love, craving for that touch, desiring those soft whispers against her ears, dying for that warmth. The people she let slip through her fingers, the relationships she threw away, all for one that is her. The way she hid her pain beneath her laughter, the way she smile above all her troubles.

Questions fill her head “Is there a place where I can just let all this out? Is there someone to just listen to all this trash, surround me in that aura I want, shower me with that affection I need, let me be vulnerable just this once? I am tired of being strong but I guess there is no breaking down from how high I have built my walls.”

She tried reaching out, there was a hand to hold, but even that faded away in time. The distance grew wider, the noise started consuming her thoughts, the air grew colder, just like that silhouette disappeared into the darkness with no more light to show her some hope, and her heart grew faint in all subdued pain. “I’m used to it” she tells herself as it was not the first time.

A routine it became when she is driving by herself, she rewinds and tears stream down her cheeks, the past she wishes to erase and the questions she wishes to evade. The scars remained like a tattoo on her. The only way to prevent people from seeing them is to quit talking. “If only I could disappear” she thinks to herself.

She is not easily broken for she has become... me.

Faces or Phases but it is a Messy Affair

Are the people who surround us truly who they are seen to be? A question I often ponder over. Even in years being surrounded by people whom I cherished and did everything in my stead to please, there are dark sides that start to show and it hurts the fact that you never knew they were such people.

I guess over the years people grow tired of putting on that mask because others do not realize their worth or efforts or even appreciate them. I believe they grow frustrated with how their lives have become.

Even now, when I look at people around me I ask myself, are they being genuine or are they just putting on an act for fear they might hurt me? I prefer honesty over fear for hurting others. When you're honest, both involved can learn to move on or live with it accepting and experiencing new things and reality. But when the act is continued, you mislead, misunderstand and will forever remain sadly an imitation. You will never be able to come to terms with yourself, and you will never be able to let people know how you truly feel about them, be it good or bad. And you will never be able to find true happiness. 

Yes there are times where we feel like we just want to run away and escape from reality. But these are temporary defenses which we put up or turn to when going through a hard time. Look on the bright side, if there are objects, people or places that you are able to find solace and happiness in, be with them.

Each experience painful or joyful, is a stepping stone into the destiny written for us. Each decision made have been foreseen by our spiritual creators. We may be hurt over the times that were dark and cold. But when things like that happen, think about the people around us, is our situation that dire? Can we overcome this ordeal? Help will come to those who seek them.

Time may heal all wounds but the scars remain so try not to hurt the people close to you. You never know how long they will be around or how long you may stick around. Isolation only makes one more lonely, drowning one in depression.

"Forgive the past, make new memories, forget the pain and remember only happiness."

Happyness

Just like lights they appeared and glowed. They shine so bright that if you can't see them you must be blind. Their voices tickle your ears and laughter spread like wild fire. Each with their own persona but combined they create a balance just like the yin and the yang. 

They make me spell happyness with the Y just like Chris Gardner in his pursuit of happyness. The warmth they give beats any good old fire place. If they read all these praises they just may raise their glasses to cheer on the appreciation. 

They make me love without expecting. They make me go against my principles of having attachments for I have grown to be attached to them. They are well wishes of one another and together they form a round world, revolving round only them. 

The bond they established are viewed with envy because it did not seem to matter just how long they knew each other or who knew who first but they just knew each other. 

May be not the stories each may have in their lives but it does take time to peel the onion right? They make me believe in love on a whole new level. One that is pure and trusting. 

This they I speak of are the seven giants of my life. They need not be named but I feel homed returning to them, and I call them my ohana.