Last night

Under the night sky, on the beach, chasing waves and playing in the sand, an ideal gathering which rarely happens. The agenda was simple but meaning was with depth all in one word called "ohana".  Should you see them, they'll forever appear children of the future, carefree and young. Deprived or not their childhood might have been once, but they sure enjoy the times which could replace any of those forged in tender age. It was an evening picnic filled with fireworks display, games and feast. It was another memory taken and framed in the hall of fame in the name of ohana.

Falling

I saw you once, I saw you smile.

But when I searched for you, I realized I was wandering all by myself.

I heard you call then I heard you fall.

But when I turned to pick you up, I realized it is I that had fallen.

I felt your touch & I felt your warmth.

But when I reached out to hold onto it, I realized it was love that I longed for.

Today's History

I wake.

I smoked.

I ate.

I napped.

I wake again.

I stoned.

I moved.

I searched.

I watched.

I smoked again.

I indulged.

I ate again.

I drank.

I watched again.

I ate again.

I smoked again.

I drank again.

I showered.

I scrubbed.

I shampooed.

I scrubbed again.

I showered again.

I smoked again.

I brushed.

I sat.

I stared.

I read.

I wrote.

I listened.

I enjoyed.

I longed.

I read again.

I stretched.

I thought.

I browsed.

I smoked again.

I wrote again.

I posted.

I waited. 

....in attempt to fall into slumber yet again.

Will tomorrow be in vain yet again?

Music & Sleeplessness

Another sleepless night spent feeling restless, growing more accustomed to the darkness and loneliness. It almost feels like a different realm, one which drains every last ounce of life left in a soul which knows not how to feel anymore. 

It pains just to think, it exhausts just trying to smile, and it makes everything else fade out when music makes it's presence. 

Don't read too much into the words said, don't think too much about the changes, and just don't let me go.

You're revealing too much which belongs to me. As much as I lose myself whenever we begain to get warm. It is almost frightening, because I do not know what to make of in my thoughts and my feelings.

But I would like to hold on to this warmth you offer, I hope it's safe and I hope I do not misread you. Ending up alone may be a norm in the lives of many, even yours but I would love to be found. At least by someone who will not need me to spell it out.

It's a feeling I wish to break free from, so surround me even if it's in silence because your presence alone soothes this uneasiness. If you ever ask me, I honestly do not know the answer to why I feel the way I do, or do the things I feel.

You've unmasked so much that all that face paint is fading too quickly just like the melting of an ice cube left out in the open. 

Let me remain armoured before others, don't strip me off my clothes, I do not want that naked feel to return.

Being able to just indulge in each other's thoughts are enough for now. At least I do not feel entirely alone even while I am amongst people. 

So please sing me to sleep again on this rainy morning and keep me warm and serene, free from any further thought as the wind caresses my eyelids and hair dance to the air waves. 

Desolate

Looking at her life from the outside would only lead to her criticizing her. Judging her from her flaws, the way she dresses, the way she speaks, the people she meets, the way she falls so hard, the way she is easily deceived. Dissatisfied with her achievements, wishing there was more, wishing she could reach higher and wishing she would stop whining.

All her tears describe the desolation in her life, longing for that love, craving for that touch, desiring those soft whispers against her ears, dying for that warmth. The people she let slip through her fingers, the relationships she threw away, all for one that is her. The way she hid her pain beneath her laughter, the way she smile above all her troubles.

Questions fill her head “Is there a place where I can just let all this out? Is there someone to just listen to all this trash, surround me in that aura I want, shower me with that affection I need, let me be vulnerable just this once? I am tired of being strong but I guess there is no breaking down from how high I have built my walls.”

She tried reaching out, there was a hand to hold, but even that faded away in time. The distance grew wider, the noise started consuming her thoughts, the air grew colder, just like that silhouette disappeared into the darkness with no more light to show her some hope, and her heart grew faint in all subdued pain. “I’m used to it” she tells herself as it was not the first time.

A routine it became when she is driving by herself, she rewinds and tears stream down her cheeks, the past she wishes to erase and the questions she wishes to evade. The scars remained like a tattoo on her. The only way to prevent people from seeing them is to quit talking. “If only I could disappear” she thinks to herself.

She is not easily broken for she has become... me.