15th April 23

Waking up to a new day, trying to push forth with positivity whilst mumbling that it's such a chore on the inside. Staring up at glow in the dark stars wondering if any of my wishes upon stars ever came true. "Mommy" a little yet loud voice comes from the edge of my bed. "Ah, yes I have my beautiful children, the eldest Luna who's five, the middle one Nouvel who's one and my newborn Jace who's oh well three months old." Now this beautiful mess has her joyous chore or as I call it my happy burden. 

It's been a month since I have been running as a single parent again. However, this time it's three in tow. Thank God for the family that has my back, but I often think if their influence on my life is right because it doesn't feel that way. Since the 6th of April, he started texting me again on a daily basis. A part of me feels that I want to cave in and forgive him and be back with him. But a bigger part of me is stopping me from giving in. It almost feels like it's a habit of his to drop his responsibilities and go running back to his mother's nest. Then here I am doing everything on my own again and again. 

This time round, I am decided on being that single parent to my trio. What the heck it does get tough and when it does, I feel like running back to him, no, I need to steel myself. Restraining from gaslighting him and being completely kind yet resolved on living life apart is by far one of the most challenging for me. Emotions aside, waking up again is a blessing so they say, but one thing for sure it's pure happiness for my children. I had better get off my bum and stop the "Mommy-ing". I am Merv, this is my story, it's my pleasure to get to know you too. Tell me, has your day been as noisy and eventful as mine every morning?

So time has sped past us and I have not written in like forever. All right forever is an exaggeration!
I now work with an organisation which actual name I have yet to get confirmation for. Seems like we're going through some changes, some would be an understatement. So what's been happening with me?

I wasted a hell lot of time on I do not know what. Right now as I am writing this, it's just because I need to exhale a whole load of emotions and mixologies revolving around me. You know the feeling of being outcasted? I seem to get that a lot now. Almost everywhere I once thought was home. Yeah, I know it sucks, or yeah perhaps I'm just being petty over minor issues. But it's in your face. Like the remarks and, expressions people seem to give me.

Do I have something on my forehead that reads unwelcomed?  Social butterfly? I don't think so, not anymore at least. Being in yet still out. Not knowing what would be appropriate to say anymore. Being busy with work does not even help anymore. I wonder if "Dia-Gon-Alley" would work now?

It's time for me to take a bow and get off the stage. Not that I always wanted the attention. It just happens where ever I go. There's so much to yell out right now. But no I shall keep quiet and suck it in. Where ever I turn it's just looks of disapproval or words of disapproval. HEY people where is the love was a song I remembered putting into an assignment. All right I'm publishing this for now. I have more to write but I'll do it next time.

18th to 21st of September 2015

Having had spend my birthday subtly this year, was the first time I experienced a quiet birthday. For the past 27 birthdays I've had, it always went on with a bang. I always had people around me spend my birthdays with me be it my family, classmates, colleagues or close friends. I was glad that it was a sober night, I was glad that I could reflect off the years I have spent my life and I was content with how the day was turning out for me. ZZ Aniq the unique called me and sang me a birthday song that night, my brothers wished me when the clock struck 12, my parents spent the earlier part of the day with me, and other friends reminded me that it was my birthday. Life changing events today? None. All that changed was the number of candles I might have had on my cake. Perhaps life was changing at an unnoticeable rate. Or perhaps life was waiting for me to make changes to it. I could hardly bat an eyelid that night for soon it was the day after my birthday. I set out early with my youngest. We went boat fishing, enjoyed it as we sat on that rocking boat waiting to double our catch. It was not exactly excellent but it was alright, at least we didnt return home empty handed. I had a fish swim down my tank top, i suffered sun burns, played at a playground in a near by park after dinner and ended the night with tea. Sunday was a long day at work and it ended with me dozing off to sleep at the dinning table after dinner. But it made me long for home to spend time with my family. Monday morning then came with tensed up nerves and an unsettled chest, but that morning went well. The day got even better with the echoe of laughter in my house even while there was much going on in my head. It was this day that i realised i found solace being at home. It was comfortable even if the house was filled with noise pollution for then only would we realise that that is what we call home. It isn't an empty heart that warms the body, mind and soul but one that is filled. Knowing that i would be expecting more than a company of two for supper that night i prepared myself. It was hard for them to keep me at bay when it came to surprises. However it was a great day and evening. It is true that its not who comes first and who comes last in friendships but the ones who stay with you that matters. Celebrating a belated birthday with the psychos filled me to my heart's content. But it made me think of my ohana, we might have only celebrated one birthday together but one thing for sure is no matter where we are or how long we have not met we will still be ohana. I miss them dearly for they still are my great seven giants! As for my psychos, i love them too, to the moon and back for their thoughts that count. They always did their best to be there for me and they were there for me. I couldnt be more grateful to our creator above for having sent me these two groups of people i call my external family. They reminded me that I am responsible for how i want to spend each day and what happiness meant to me. Just having to be around all these lovable people i feel content with my days. And with that i thank them all; my family, my external younger siblings (many other brothers from other parents), my ohana and my psychos for without them i might never have learnt that i too could smile beautifully at the world again. I look forward to brighter tomorrows and positively accept what each day brings me.

Time

Life is time, is meeting people, learning new things, letting go of what no longer is, reminiscing the memories and creating new ones.
It's funny how in a short amount of time many things can happen. But if you come to think of it, you'd realize just how amazing these moments are. Be it when you're angry, upset, or just happy, these emotions just finds its way into that moment. Its what you make out of those emotions that matters. In that moment you could say something hurtful and never take it back. In that moment you could infect another with your smile or laughter. In that moment you could move others with your tears.
Time and moments go together. Without those moments you would not have had time.
Cherish them. Your time. Spend it well without regrets. Because we can never go back in time only forward.

This is a little late...

Isn’t it funny how life turns out to be for each individual? We live without realizing the importance of time isn’t just how we spend it without waste but it was the essence of spending the quality of it with the people we hold dear to us wisely. A person who’s dear to me lost someone important to her in her life last Saturday. Upon hearing this solemn news, it brought tears to my eyes. Just the thought of what could possibly be going through her mind right now made me feel anxious and sad all at once. And I realized that I haven’t got to meet this important figure in her life yet. But I had to be there for her. She needed the people who love her around her, to tell her she’s not alone, and her mother is going to be just fine in the next phase of her life. Kübler Ross said “Death is not the end of life’s journey, but the beginning of a new one.”

Right now, just like Macklemore sang in the Thrift Shop, “I’ve got twenty dollars in my pocket…” is just how broke I am.  Supporting a family of 5 including yourself is not as easy as it seems, not especially when you’re waiting for a divorce on one hand and your father is ill. No they do not have Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres here in Singapore, where it would have been easier to get a donation or some financial aid by just writing in or appearing on screen. But then again, you might not be the only one who’s struggling to make ends meet each day. While I was busy worrying about my father who has kidney stones and a weak heart, I received the news. The mother of a close friend had passed away. It dawned on me, that this very friend who has been telling me to stay strong for as I was working so hard to take care of both my mother and father has just lost her mother.

But hey, I love this little woman. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me.

Walking dead

Swallowed into the ideas of others, you soon absorb the way they behave, the way they feel and the way they think. Then you lose yourself, you overthink, you wonder about who you really are. You sniff out undesirable emotions, and you think everyone is against you and it's you against the world. You look around and all you see are the eyes prying to reveal you, slowly stripping you down, peeling off layers of clothes that wrap you up. And all at once you feel naked, you feel the cold from the stares directed at you. You want to run away, you want to get out but still you remain behind bound by the ties that latch onto you always reminding you, always holding you back from the tomorrow you need and want. You stand there surrounded by the energy that consumes you. But all it really takes is a deep breath of courage and to exhale it with "I have had enough, I'm moving forward on my own for me." After all that built up you snigger under your shallowed breaths, recalling nostalgic lyrics from singers you might have a blur memory of. A smile forms on your face and you heave a sigh, that is life, what's left is living it not surviving it. It is unique how being devoured by the noise of your surroundings give you more consciousness you can ever have. It's like awakening the unconscious that slumbered deep within you in a cave waiting for you to fall asleep. Deep just deep, these depts they drown you as you struggle for air only to float to the surface dead. 

The NOT SO Silent Blog Episode

Funny how the world works, it just never rests. Just like our lives. 

What would you do with your life? Could we just stop and tell ourselves not to act, not to breathe, not to feel, not to think and just stand still? Apparently not, not acting or rather reacting would just be ignorance. Not breathing would just kill us, not feeling would just mean we're out cold and numb, not thinking might just mean we can do yoga but stand still? It would mean watching your life flash by before your eyes.

I write just like how I travel aimlessly and live recklessly, go on an escapade when I realize my mistake, then return when I am calm and composed. It gets me cranky, sometimes too descriptive, and at times spunky while other times too sensitive. But of course these are just bite-sized episodes that I have once in a while. It makes me feel youthful and immature. But I’m working on being sane, but it’s a little insane when I am serious and all formal. My speech gets restricted and my face hardly wears a smile the right side up. I don’t crack up and neither do I crack jokes. I seem lost and rigid. Alright it feels annoyingly annoying to see this many I’s in this passage.

I should really be sleeping right now, or actually 2 hours ago. So here’s a little quote I included to the #storyofmylife, “Education, they make you realize the good, the bad, the consequences and the reasons for the experiences you go through.”

With that, I shall rest my eyes for the next four hours before I head back out into the world that chases time.